Diary of a Spectre
by Siha
Summary: Commander Shepard has always kept her composure in front of others. She never breaks under pressure, but underneath all that armor is still a girl with a broken past who finds some closure in one small simple companion, her diary.
1. Dear Diary

**So this idea popped into my mind yesterday while I was replaying Mass Effect 1. These will be short little diary entries starting with an entry before the Normandy is attacked in ME2 and jump to a diary entry two years (& 12 days) later after Shepard is brought back. This fic is just for fun, nothing serious.  
**

**~Enjoy**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bioware of any of their characters.**

* * *

January 1st, 2183.

Dear Diary,

It seems unbelievable that just two months ago Saren and his Geth army were attacking the Citadel. So much happened within just a few hours it's almost too much to comprehend. I would have never expected to make it out of there alive but, I did. The new year party on the Citadel was amazing, races from all over the galaxy joined together to celebrate the defeat of Saren and his Geth. No matter how hard I try though no one but my crew seems to believe that the Reapers are still out there and will stop at nothing to commit genocide against us. I can only hope that I find some way to stop them... Since then the team of aliens I have allied myself with have gone their own ways. Tali has gone back to the Migrant Fleet to present her gift (the data on Geth evolution I discovered) to a captain of her choice so that she can complete her pilgrimage and be accepted as an adult. I hope she comes back, I miss her already. As silly as it seems I developed a sister bond with the Quarian. Liara left to Illium, some kind of Asari home world in the Terminus Systems. She seemed, changed by her experiences while under my services. I will have to check up on her later. Wrex went to Tuchanka. Said he wanted to make a change and bring the Krogan tribes back together and rebuild old alliances. At first I was skeptical asking him what happened with the whole "I gave up on my people." talks we used to have. He would only grin and tell me that life is too short-lived to be fighting with your own kind. It was kind of scary hearing him talk so logically. Garrus is on a well earned vacation, he went home to visit his dad. I'm sure after everything he's been through he needs time alone to sort things out. At first Garrus didn't seem to know right from wrong but hopefully after serving under me I have changed his opinion. Though I do admit, I really miss him. Kaidan is still here with me, we don't talk unless it's during shore leave but we send signals to one another, letting the other know we are here for the other if they need it. My mind keeps flickering back to our night before Illos and although I enjoy Kaidan's company, I question myself wondering if our actions were out of love or lust. Talking about my night Kaidan brings other memories, memories of Virmire. I still beat myself up for it, telling myself that I didn't pick Kaidan over Ash because of my feelings for him but then I began to realize I'm only lying to myself. Ash was a good soldier; she didn't deserve to go out, not like that. But I can't bring myself to tell myself that it was a mistake. I...care about Kaidan and I just couldn't bring myself to leave him behind. Anyways, currently the _Normandy_ is looking for the last pockets of Geth resistances, we have had reports of four missing ships but we can't seem to find any evidence, not even distress signals. Something will turn up soon but, I have a bad feeling about this.

- Commander Shepard

* * *

**These will genuinely be short 500-1000 ish word entries and because of their lengths they are easier to write up then my longer stories so this one will be updated more often when I'm not feeling too lazy. I'll try to stick to the general order of occurrences in the game.  
**

**R&R  
**


	2. Reborn

January 13th, 2185.

Dear Diary,

Technically I shouldn't even be writing this. So much had happened in the past 24 hours that this is the first time I've been able to sit down in silence and write about it. I'm not really sure how I feel about any of this. I've been dead, or in a coma, something for the past two years. Two years can you believe it?! I was spaced when the Normandy was attacked. Saving the crew and Joker my suit was damaged and I suffocated. I can still remember floating in the dark abyss fighting for my life, the knot in my stomach and the feel of my lungs being squeezed like oranges. It was a terrible feeling… The vessel that attacked us was unidentified, they weren't Geth but I now know them to be Collectors, some sort of alien race working with the Reapers. Cerberus, the pro-human organization I encountered several times while investigating Saren, the same group that killed Admiral Kahoku, spent the past two years and over 4 billion credits to bring me back to life only to tell me that I am humanity's only hope against the Reapers and that I have to save the galaxy, again. Why? Why does the sake of every species ride on my shoulders? I am just one person, one woman, one soldier. It is a burden I have to carry, but one I am willing and able to do. If I don't do something, who will? I don't remember much of my first moments of my new life. It was just waking up on an operating table with bright lights in my face and a woman yelling at me over an intercom. Next thing I know I'm blowing up mechs with two Cerberus operatives, (Jacob and Wilson) and then watching as Miranda guns Wilson down when we reach the shuttle bay informing Jacob and I that Wilson had betrayed us and reprogrammed the mechs.

Upon boarding the shuttle Miranda tests my memory asking various questions about Mindoir and Akuze. These questions bring back memories, horrible memories that I have tried years to shut out of my mind. Jacob notes how everyone around me seems to die yet I survive. I don't answer him; he doesn't know what it's like seeing your parents murdered by Batarian salvers and then watching fifty marines under your command be slaughtered by a single Thresher Maw. I promptly tell Miranda that I choose Captain Anderson to join the saved council; she smiles at me and tells me he is now 'Councilor Anderson'. We arrive at the other Cerberus base and I finally speak to their leader the 'Illusive Man' I'm disappointed we don't meet face-to-face; I probably would have tried to kill the man if we had. I learn entire human colonies are disappearing, how the threat of the Reapers is imminent and that Cerberus needs my help, the Alliance won't do anything about the missing colonists and the Council sure as hell won't. I question him about my old crew. I learn that 'Staff Commander Alenko' is still with the Alliance, and obviously doing pretty good. Though he is on a top secret mission and the Illusive Man has no information on it. Tali'Zorah nar Rayya is now Tali'Zorah vas Neema having completed her pilgrimage and becoming an adult of the Flotilla. Liara is still on Illium only she has changed her interest from the study of the Protheans and archeology to the business of an information broker. Urdnot Wrex is on Tuchanka uniting the Krogans under the Urdnot name. I am hopeful about my last team mate but when I hear that Garrus Vakarian's whereabouts are currently unknown my heart sinks in my chest. I press the Illusive Man for more information but he only tells me that besides Alenko, Garrus took the news of my death the hardest and he disappeared without a trace. I curse loudly wanting to yell at him for not keeping closer tabs on my old crew but he reassures me he will call up his contacts and ask for new Intel. He then informs me that he wants me to investigate Freedom's Progress, a colony that had recently lost contact. He tells me he found me a pilot, one of the best and my eyes lit up seeing Joker. I hugged him tightly noticing that he is walking particularly well on his own and he tells me Cerberus takes care of their people. We exchanged a few words before showing me the replica of the Normandy that Cerberus has built for me to use on my mission. Joker jokes that it's 'Good to be home'. We decide to name the new ship after the original.

Walking around Freedom's Progress I am reminded of Mindoir, the silence eats away at me. We keep pushing through the colony and I nearly drop to me knees as we come across Tali' who is here with other Quarians looking for a young Quarian named Veetor who is on Freedom's Progress for his pilgrimage. We don't exchange words for a moment but we rush forward and hug each other so tight we, well I turn blue. She says she can't believe that I'm alive but she is happy to see me none the less. After words are exchanged we agree to team up to find Veetor. We proceed through a large gate and faced against a heavy mech who had destroyed the rest of Tali's group. With combined effort we destroy the heavy mech and find Veetor. Despite Jacob and Miranda's protests I allow Veetor to go back to the Flotilla with Tali and she thanks me giving me the information on his Omni-Tool. I was glad that we finally had some data but the others who were a part of my old crew still eat away at my mind; They didn't know I was alive, I have to find them, I have to find Liara, Wrex, Garrus…Kaidan. As I am writing this the photo I have of Alenko sits on my desk and stares at me, I briefly touch the glass swearing that I'd find him. I will, I have to.

- Commander Shepard


End file.
